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2004 was a very sad year for us.
It was the year we finally said goodbye to Andy. After a long
and courageous battle against his brain tumour the struggle became
too much for him and he died in May. No words can describe our
loss but we try to remember him as he was before the illness
took away his energy and vitality. We also admire the way in
which he dealt with his illness. Throughout his slow decline
he remained brave and determined to survive and make the most
of life. He was generous and patient to the end. We have included
his obituary, which appeared in the Biddulph Chronicle, and a
few pictures in this news letter.
It was a difficult and emotional
time for us. The knowledge that his death was inevitable sooner
rather than later did not make it easier to bear when it happened.
The grief and distress that we had suppressed due to the necessity
of providing care and support came flooding out and the inevitable
regrets for missed opportunities and the guilt over past arguments
and misunderstandings replayed in my mind time and time again.
In a way we were fortunate in all
the help and assistance we received and I cannot thank enough
the care workers from Staffordshire Moorlands Social Services
Department, the local district nurses and the staff from Douglas
Macmillan Hospice and Hospice at Home. Without their emotional
and practical support we would not have been able to cope and
Andy would almost certainly have had to go into hospital.
Thank you also to all those friends
and relatives who send kind words of condolence, attended the
funeral and made donations to Douglas Macmillan Hospice and Hospice
at Home. |
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JAMES ALBERT ANDREW BAKER
11th JULY 1957 - 21st MAY 2004 |
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Left, from the top: Apeldoorn1985, At home 1989, 1991 with
Katie, Feb 2001, March 2004 |
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Below: Graduation 1979 |
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Below are two poems that probably reflect the swings of emotion
that I felt at the time and still occassionally now. I'm sure
that Andy would want us to be happy and enjoy our memories of
him rather than feel sorry for either ourselves or for him. |
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Funeral Blues by Wystan Hugh Auden
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling in the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good. |
Remember by Christina Rossetti
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
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Please support
the Douglas Macmillan Hospice or Hospice at Home
During Andy's final months
his care was planned and co-ordinated by specialist nurses from
the Douglas Macmillan
Hospice. They also organised respite care for us and ensured
that we received the necessary assistance from the other organisations.
In his final week the staff from Hospice at Home provided us
with virtually 24 hour a day services, sitting with Andy at night
while we slept and sitting with us during the day helping us
to care for Andy and understand what was happening to him. |
If you would like to make a donation to the DMH or Hospice at
Home please email the
hospice or telephone 01782 344 304 |
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Andy's Memorial Garden |
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After Andy's death we decided we wanted to make him a memorial.
We couldn't do it straight away as the immediate impact of bereavement
made it too difficult and we couldn't decide what to do - nothing
would have been good enough for him. However, with the passage
of a little time our ability to think more clearly and consider
what he may have liked returned and we finally decided that he
would like a gravel garden. He had always liked the idea of gravel
gardens and we had once tried to make one - but it had become
overgrown and untended as he had become ill. We also thought
he would like a natural memorial made from something obtained
from our own land. He was very keen on environmental protection
and natural energy - a windmill and generator would have been
nice - or solar panels fitted to the roof- but we didn't think
we could do that straight away - so we settled for a gravel garden
and a large boulder with a brass plaque. To read the story of
the garden and see it under construction see Building Andy's memorial garden |
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Louise did the honours with a perfect mixture of seriousness,
respect, dignity and cheerfulness. She managed to carry off something
that none of the rest of us could have done. She looks so like
Andy that she is almost a little replica, albeit in female form,
and he would surely have been proud of her liveliness and warm
heartedness. Louise undertook what would have been a very difficult
task for us with a sense of pride and honour and her absolute
belief that Andy would not want us to be sad and that he is better
off at rest after suffering such a debilitating illness helps
us to maintain a positive outlook. We know it isn't an original
idea, but it gives us some comfort to imagine Andy living again
in the glorious form of a horse chestnut tree that will surely
stand and thrive for many years to come, overlooking the house
and home he helped to make.
The only disappointment of the day was that Katie would not
join us and we felt that she missed out on something important
and unique. |
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Even a simple memorial such as the one we planned turned out
to be a bigger project than we had initially imagined and it
took us quite a lot of effort and dedication. More than once
we thought we had bitten off more than we could chew - moving
large boulders is no easy matter. However, we persevered and
eventually were rewarded with a garden that bloomed through from
shortly before what would have been our 19th wedding anniversary
(2nd April) to the first anniversary of Andy's death (21st May).On
2nd April Andy's parents Peggy and Jim came to see the new memorial
garden and to join us in the ceremony of burying Andy's ashes
- something we now felt we could do. It was a lovely spring day
and we were able to have lunch in the fresh air and lay Andy
to rest under a horse chestnut tree that he himself had planted.
The warmth and sunlight helped make it a celebration of Andy
and it added to the bitter sweet feeling of the joy of having
loved someone so much mixed with the sadness of losing them. |
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The words on the plaque read:
James Albert Andrew Baker
11th July 1957 - 21st May 2004
Andy, you live on
in the minds you inspired
and in the hearts that loved you.
Some part of each of us is you
These words were adapted from the epitaph to an African chief
we found while browsing the internet for inspiration and we hope
it reflects our feeling that we would not be the people we are
today but for Andy's influence on our lives. |
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This page was last modified: September 08 2007 16:05:32. |
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